Disney to “Sex-Up” the MCU After Criticism

Following statements by acclaimed Spanish filmmaker Pedro Almodóvar that Marvel films “lack sexuality”, Disney CEO Bob Iger has announced that the MCU is going to become an “all-out fuck fest”.

“For over ten years now, I’ve wanted to embrace the inherent sensualness and undeniable need to fuck that lies at the heart of every Marvel Studios character. Stan Lee had plans for them. His initial concepts were, quite frankly, dirty as hell. But he was limited in what he could do due to the Comics Code Authority. His last words before he died were about this. I had gone to visit him in the hospital and he gestured for me to come closer and when I did he grabbed me by the lapels and said, ‘Make them fuck’. And then he was gone. I could see the passion in his eyes when he said that. I had held off due to Kevin Feige’s squeamishness regarding sex, but now I see how that was a mistake. Audiences have missed out on years of superheroes banging each other’s brains out. Our heroes want to fuck. They NEED to fuck” Iger said while drawing slash fic.

Feige stood strong by his anti-sexuality stance in an interview he gave with his mother present, “I just don’t get the desire to see our heroes touch each other’s no-nos and hoo-hahs. Those are things that shouldn’t be talked about outside of consenting adults’ bedrooms. Even there, it’s gross and makes me nauseous.” He then proceeded to rest his head on his mother’s shoulder and look off into the distance as she hummed him a lullaby.  

This news has the actors of the MCU excited and looking forward to this new direction. Mark Ruffalo was amongst the most vocal, “Everyone has wanted to know how Hulk fucks. Who does he fuck? Is he a top or a bottom? Is his dong proportional? They want to know it all. Now we can finally answer all those questions. I’ll give you a spoiler though, it’s not proportional. That’s why he’s always angry. You’d be too.” Ruffalo has already committed to doing the motion capture for Hulk while fully nude and on poppers, something that was not requested but which he insisted upon.

For Bob Iger, this is clearly a passion. “This is why I bought Marvel in the first place. I can write all the slash fic I want but it’s not the same. Having a huge budget and talented filmmakers telling stories about our legendary heroes taking a trip to Bone Town is my dream. ILM making photorealistic genitals for Ego and Rocket Raccoon? I see no better use for our money. Remaking Civil War under my originally intended title, Civil Whore? A wish fulfilled. If Warners and DC can let Matt Reeves make Catwoman a furry, then I’m going to make sure that Vision has a foot fetish. You’re going to find out what Thor does with Mjolnir’s handle when no one is looking. Can you make a dildo out of Vibranium? You’ll see. There will be no limits. Everyone in the MCU falls somewhere on the Kinsey scale and you’re going to see some very unique pairings.” With this, Bob Iger ended our conversation and went off into the bathroom with a smile on his face and the Marvel app open on his iPad.

What about you, dear readers? Who are you horny to see do the horizontal mambo in the MCU? Ant-Man and Loki? Miek and Maria Hill? Let us know in the comments!

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