BREAKING: Sony & Disney Compromise: Tom Hardy Is Spider-Man

Following the painful news yesterday that Disney/Sony are no longer sharing the Spider-Man character, a truce has been reported. Sony has announced that the two studios have compromised by having the leads of their individual Spidey franchises switch places. That’s right; the Toms are making things interesting. Tom Hardy – who recently donned the symbiote to play Eddie Brock/Venom for Sony – will now play Spider-Man for the MCU. Conversely, Tom Holland – who previously played the webslinger for the MCU – will play Venom in the upcoming Venom 2 and other Sony Spider-Man-lite Spider-Man movies.

According to Sony Pictures CEO Tony Vinciquerra, “While the talks were initially dire, Kevin [Feige of the MCU] and I came to a mutual understanding. Even though the latest film Spider-Man 2 #3: The One Where They Go To Europe made $1 billion at the box office, we realized it was growing stale. It was a mutual decision.”

“Nah, that shit was their idea,” Kevin Feige explained. “No idea why the hell they did it. Then again, I’m not sure of what Sony is saying half the time. But at least we get some kind of Spider-Man out of it.”

Reportedly, the upcoming MCU Spider-Man will keep their plans for future films intact and not age up the character despite Hardy being 41 years old while Peter Parker is set to be a senior in high school for the next film. “It’s… a shift to say the least,” sighed Spider-Man: Homecoming and Far From Home director Jon Watts. “Maybe it’s some kinda puberty thing? Or a weird recessive Spider gene? Guys, I haven’t even talked with Zendaya about this yet. How am I gonna explain this to Zendaya?!” Watts then laid in a fetal position before being escorted from our offices by Sony reps.

The same situation will be in place for Venom 2, leaving youthful Tom Holland to convincingly play experienced reporter Eddie Brock. Luckily, director Andy Serkis seemed far more excited. “Can you imagine the motion capture breakthroughs?” asked Serkis. “Holland is a trained dancer! I’m thinking a dance number. A Gene Kelly style waltz between Eddie and the symbiote. Holland dancing off himself! THINK OF IT, MAN!” Serkis was drooling madly. We asked him to kindly leave the True Superhero Fans offices.

When reached for comment, Tom Holland merely gave us a “Pip pip cheerio, those old Sony chaps?” Hardy merely shrugged and said “Bullocks, am I right.” What delightful British scamps.

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