This week sees the release of the final film in the Star Wars saga, The Rise of Skywalker. Reviews are decidedly mixed but we here at TSFO have made this list of the reasons that, no matter what, will make it better than that SJW manifesto, The Last Jedi.
Greg Grunberg is back!
We missed frequent J.J. Abrams collaborator Greg Grunberg in Last Jedi and are super excited that Snap Wexley will be back. His character brought a level of warmth and humor to Force Awakens that we all loved and he quickly became a fan favorite. We can’t wait to see him help out Finn and the gang and then bond with our kids with the Snap Wexley X-Wing Strike playset. If they don’t sell out too quickly.
Rey has less scenes!
Putting Rey at the forefront of Last Jedi was a huge mistake. Not only is she a boring character, but it was exacerbated by her being a woman. Star Wars was made for boys and making a woman the hero in the last installment was our 9/11. We couldn’t contain our excitement when we heard that Rey’s scenes were being cut to almost nothing. She’s back to where women belong in Star Wars, in the background. Seen but not heard. And before you mention Leia, remember that she was only there because she was Luke’s sister. Nepotism!
Maz Kanata has sex!
The only good thing Last Jedi gave us was a further development of the concept of Maz Kanata as a sexual being. It was heavily implied that she had slept with Justin Theroux’s Master Codebreaker character, and we were disappointed that it wasn’t elaborated on, but Abrams has promised to give us what we want. While the movie is PG-13, we’re still going to get to see how Maz likes it. Does she involve her jet pack in some way? Will we see a glimpse of her nude? The possibilities are enticing.
Another of Rian Johnson’s endless list of mistakes was not having the porgs talk. Thankfully, Abrams refused to sign on to Rise Of Skywalker until Lucasfilm gave in to his one demand, the porgs had to talk. They gave in and the list of voice talent he’s recruited is amazing. The Rock, Brad Pitt, Greg Grunberg, Jackie Chan, and as a female porg (with boobs!), Charlize Theron. There was news that the writers of Family Guy were hired to make sure the porgs always have a great wisecrack or pop culture reference to shoot off when needed. And since Family Guy is the TSFO team’s favorite show, we’re very much looking forward to it.
A solemn promise to fix anything we don’t like.
Lucasfilm and Disney has vowed to the fans that whatever we don’t like in Rise Of Skywalker, they will immediately fix after the right amount of threats of lawsuits or death. It’ll be a movie that’s forever in flux for us to change as we see fit. They saw what the fans of Sonic the Hedgehog managed to accomplish with his redesign and they know the power we wield. We’re their bread and butter and we deserve to be treated as such. It’s not pandering if we ask for it! We don’t go see Star Wars because we want to be challenged, we go because we want the exact same thing nine times in a row!